Vedic Community Forum

In the middle of the night last night I woke up and laid there inside of myself, as I often do recently and maybe always have, seeking connection— with myself, with something greater than myself, with everything. It's a common experience that I find myself spinning around inside, often grasping quite hard, trying to find something to hang onto. I was comforting myself with the wisdom shared here from Acharya Shunya Ji that we all lovingly pass back and forth between us, that this feeling of separation is just an illusion, that god is within all of us and in everything. The ideas are clear but the actual feeling of it can be elusive. As I lay there, I felt myself looking around trying to find some particular part of me that is the god part, some sparkly divine essence lurking in a place I haven't looked yet. I remembered something Sadhvi Aparna said during Samsara Surfers last Saturday about how we can pay attention to the breath, and then suddenly as I felt the air come into my lungs I thought, "The life inside of me is evidence that I am divine." I realized that the fact that I am living at all, moving around, spinning these webs of thoughts, moving this body around, this aliveness must be god inside of me, because being alive at all clearly is a miracle, a wild gift. There isn't some special, sanctified god place in me, it's all god, all of it, the fear and the lostness and the beauty, everything. And as a reminder I can just stop at any second and see myself and feel myself, still moving, still breathing, still alive, still— and it feels like a lot to welcome into my awareness, but I do believe it's true— still god.